Anti-Racist Beards

On line dating produces an interesting array of characters and if that is my thoughts about online dating, why was I there looking? Well, because I am also an interesting character. Duh.. That is a no brainer. Anyways.

A gay man and a straight woman met online, had great conversation and there was something off. The gay man was moving too fast and the straight woman wasn’t having it so she asked, “is there something you are not saying”? The gay man had no choice but to tell the truth. He was not ready to come out to his family and friends and he needed a woman in his life to throw they off their suspicions until he was ready to have that conversation.

Wait, what now? Let me get this right, you want me to do what? Pretend we are dating so your family will stop asking questions? FYI, if your family is asking questions about your love life, they already have ideas. They know something is foul.

So wait a minute, what am I supposed to get out of this arrangement? That was my question. Why would I date a gay man knowing, I was only there as a distraction? Isn’t that what dating is, a distraction from being alone? Because distractions are what keep us stuck in pain. Distractions that keep us from feeling, or thinking and therefore elevating our lives. I’m not going to lie, I considered his offer. Who wouldn’t want to date with no expectations? Yeah sign me up for some of that! But, there was a deeper lie that I could not be party too.

Basically he wanted me to sacrifice my time and affection to this comedy of errors. Why cant you just sit down and talk with your family? He was so afraid of them turning their backs on him that he was looking for other players in his morbid play. I had so many questions and I even offered myself, a stranger, to go with him to talk to his family not as a girlfriend but as support.

What does this story of deception have to do with “Anti-Racism Beards”? I connect this story to white folks who claim to be progressive, WOKE or whatever the phrase of the month is, but are using the words, going through an anti-racism reading list, attending workshops, and literally immersing themselves in all things social justice and it is a smoke screen. Why do I believe it is a smoke screen?

Seems reasonable that folks who are socially justice minded would do all of these things to further their understanding of equity, RIGHT? True, but take a closer look. These are all outward signs that support the lie and we are hesitant to question or follow our curiosity to a deeper level.

Pay attention. If that WOKE, sitting in an anti-racism workshop, silent when BIPOC are speaking some painful truth about “surviving while Black” and this same WOKE person goes up to that raw exposed BIPOC after the training/workshop and says anything like, “I really liked what you said”, or “I agree with you” or any other such nonsense my response is always………”WOKE would have spoke up in that space and not waited to whisper approval after the fact and away from other ears”.

This same person, is in every social justice workshop, has BIPOC “friends” and works in non-profit, donates to “underserved” communities and has the reputation of being “socially justice minded” but…….. are they really though? Nothing wrong with doing any of these things, that is not what I am talking about. I am talking about standing in a truth that will shake up your world, (insert my online dating story here) and speaking it in the open, out loud and not just in whispers to BIPOC to gain brownie points.

These “anti-racist beards” have surrounded themselves with the proper accoutrement to look and sound the part but it is all just a disguise, removable?



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Edna Sadberry

Edna Sadberry


Committed to addressing multi-generational trauma. I post about the foundation of trauma patterns that impact beliefs and behavior.