Disappearing

Always on the verge of disappearing

decomposing in rooms where anti-racism is being explored reassembling fragmented biases into confirmation from a place of fear: fear of saying the wrong thing, fear that you don’t know enough to engage, fear that it might be true what they say about white privilege, fear that lowkey I like the benefits of privilege but I can’t say that out loud

Can I?

So many thoughts and feelings how am I expect to stay focused so I had to move fast before….I….loose…..interest. I showed all my best moves before I slipped and showed my true self.

Disassociated so often I am not myself. not the self I believe I am. Not connected to the parts of myself that I claim to be what now? can I be honest and start from here? do I believe I can be honest without the backlash I have to choose a side which choice benefits me the most

Always on the verge of disappearing

when I get uncomfortable, I am reminded of the bits and pieces of myself that I try to forget. because remembering is confirmation those pieces exist and there in lies the messiness I know which pieces of myself benefit from racism and if I admit it and change it, who will I be?

I am always on the verge of disappearing

I have been searching for a truth I cannot speak hoping to gather enough pieces of myself before I disappear into that fearful truth

Humans can rationalize anything when their survival is threatened .

so empty, my heart echoes with ghosts of “almost”, “not enough” “not the one”. Playing in the background while I do what keeps me safe. Hold that line no matter what. I begin to disappear into self-righteousness . It is real this time, not some imaginary place we are taught to fear.

There was a time before when I was interested. A time when I believed things would change. On the verge of disappearing. Disappearing under the mountains of pain, disappointment, and anger.

Wait, did I take the red pill or the blue one?