Who are you pretending to be?
We are slowly approaching a year of Covid-19. I don’t know about anyone else, 6-feet is a welcomed mandate. I thing people walk and stand to close anyway. I remember once this guy stood too close behind my mother in line at the grocery store and he had the audacity to cough. Of course he didn’t cover his mouth and something escaped and hit my mother on the back of her neck. My mother touched her neck and looked at her hand. She turned around to face the man saying, “Aww hell naw, you didn’t just spit on my neck”. It was the funniest thing but a reminder: cover your mouth and stand back. It’s just good practice.
When he saw the look on her face, he stepped back. Kept backing up until he was out of reach. Good thing the cashier was done and our groceries were bagged and ready to go. We left and mama couldn’t wait to bathe, cussing the whole ride home.
So much has happened this past year and I have been asking myself….who am I pretending to be…? Lots of free time for navel gazing and I have had some insightful moments. Some moments have been a rambling circle, but that is expected. I eventually get to something substantive.
I’m thinking about what it means to “be the change you want to see”?
When things open up and we all start socializing again, what are some changes that will reflect this time of self-reflection. Some of us will be the same, feeling we are perfect or damn near close and why fix it if it ain’t broke?
Some of us have been so overwhelmed with our feelings, our fears, depression, anxiety and a myriad of other thoughts that disturb our rest. Many of us may need mental health assistance to sort it all out.
Without much disposable income, I started to look around with an eye for cutting back. To address basic differently. You know things like Netflix (most times it’s watching me sleep). Okay lets back up and include the computer, TV, sports package, name brand coffee, sex, questionable friends, relationships, partners, and acquaintances. All the things that distract us and takes us out of the personal growth game.
Addiction: the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular, substance, thing or activity. People with addictions use substances or engage in behaviors that become compulsive and often continue despite harmful consequences.
I know some folks may not agree that Netflix is an addiction and to each their own. I call it my addiction, for example because there are numerous free streaming channels. I have chosen to pay for something that distracts me. I find joy in Netflix and during this past year I found myself watching the same movies over and over.
Needless to say, I organized my space, got rid of things I haven’t used or seen for years. I’m still working on getting rid of stuff, creating more space for the things I want in my life.
In addition to organizing my living space, I am also working on a better relationship with myself. I want to move forward with intention so if I am not the kind, non-judgy, compassionate, empathetic, patient and slow to anger person, the type of qualities I look for in someone else, then I will not attract those qualities.
I will continue to attract the same type of energy I have attracted in the past, unless I transform. I know, be the change….Yeah yeah yeah….that’s a lot of personal work... And what would be the point of this past year of crisis without some self-reflection and a commitment to doing things differently.
I’m not going to lie. I have felt lonely, some depression and anxious about so many things. I tried to limit my exposure to the election drama and the aftermath. Did not want to get sucked into the bottomless pit of anxiety around that fiasco. It was hard with news flowing 24/7. I had to unplug. Storming the Capital caught me off guard and it disturbed what little peace I had. I limited my responses to friends and family wanting to talk about it.
This past year has been a test and I have been successful in some areas and in other’s, not so much. I miss hanging out with my friends and in the interim, I’ve gotten some clarity about true friendships. Not just people I pick as place holders because I don’t want to do the personal work to attract next level energy.
Not every connection/relationship is about growth. I know that, and I want to be about growth. I want people in my life who are about growth. I’m real clear on that point now. I personally experience the damage I’ve caused by not growing. By being stubborn and stuck in my ways without consideration of the impact to my relationships/connections.
So what about the connections/relationships that remain the same? They are what they are, and that is fine. I ain’t mad if they are comfortable where they are. This is me developing compassion without judgment. People get to be who they want to be. I don’t get to decide for them. I get to decide for myself and that is what I’m doing.
I want to move past where I’ve been, because it will take some next level thinking/transforming to rise above who I have been pretending to be.